Part of the recovery process is learning to become independent again.
It’s natural to compare yourself to others, and anorexia and anxiety causes you to judge yourself by what other people are doing, eating and what they look like.
It’s important to remember though that you can’t be the best at everything all the time! I know that I always feel like I should be doing the same, preferably more than the people around me to feel important. So if one of my friends is going to the gym, or doing lots of reading for university etc then I feel like I should be beating them at it in order to feel special or important.
My anxiety and anorexia became particularly bad when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. Because I was trying to do everything I could to care for her and my family, I ended up making myself ill too. She is incredibly strong and brave and fought really hard and is now completely recovered. When she has a headache or a stomach bug though I still get extremely anxious, I start to panic and my gut reaction is to focus all my energy on helping her and that ends up with me neglecting myself.
I am reminding myself that this is just my anxiety talking though, and those feelings are intense and scary but they are not real and rational.
I am trying to remind myself also that what you achieve or how much you weigh on paper does not define you. Because of stressful times in my life when I have had to keep going at a mentally busy pace in order to hold it together, I now get really bad anxiety when I see somebody doing more than me because I feel like I’m going to fail.
I have recently fully committed to my recovery though and I know that I need to commit to taking care of myself and becoming independent. I know that if one of my friends or family are ill or are doing a lot then they don’t want me to punish myself and go backwards in my recovery, they want me to keep on getting better.
It is against my nature to be self-centred and I naturally look to other people for guidance but I am trying to become more independent. I know that I want to recover, want to put on weight, want to be happier and healthier and want to be a stronger person. Be independent, take control of your recovery 🙂 xx