eating disorder · recovery

Feeling out of your skin

When you have been anorexic, putting on weight is a very weird and unsettling feeling.

I have been wanting to put on weight for such a long time during my recovery process and when it starts happening it is a bit of a bitter-sweet feeling. Of course you have the initial pride in yourself and excitement from your friends and family and I was so happy and proud when I started to put on weight, but at the same time there is that weird feeling of being in a body that doesn’t feel like yours.

Being underweight means that when you do put on weight to get to a normal weight you start to feel big and fat and not yourself and, if you’re prone to anxiety like me, this can make you feel really confused between wanting to keep on putting on weight but not feeling like you’re always getting bigger.

But preserving when you’ve put on weight is one of the most important parts of the process. You will not keep putting on weight forever, your body will soon get to a healthy point when it doesn’t feel hungry all the time and it’s input and output are balanced and your weight will start to stabilise. If you stop trying to recover when you put on weigh then you will never get to this point because you will always associate eating with constant weight gain, and not just being a normal, healthy weight.

Whenever I get moments of anxiety I try and remind myself what has come with my weight gain – yes, I feel bigger…but I also feel more upbeat, I laugh more, I have more energy, I can concentrate more, I am more motivated to do things, I truly have the energy and attention for the people I love and I feel a lot stronger and more stable.

I find it really hard when people ask me ‘are you feeling better now?’ ‘are you better now?’ because yes, a lot of the time I feel so much better and so much happier and I have made so much progress. But at the same time there are still days when it is a real struggle to persevere in recovery and deal with my anxiety.

Anyone struggling to persevere in recovery just know that you are strong, you at brave, you are getting better every day. You are capable of achieving your goals and you don’t have to be perfect or better or cured, you can get where you want by just trying your best 🙂 xx

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